We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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