Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
