So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
