She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
