How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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