I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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