I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
