her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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