Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
