If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
