someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think your dad took our porno
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
