Your dad touched me again.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
