it was like his penis was on wheels.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
