its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
