You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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