Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
