Your tits are I can't wait for
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
