I'm jealous of your bromance
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
