EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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