i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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