When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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