I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
