When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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