i just sent this text using only my big toe
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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