Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
