Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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