at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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