How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
