Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
