im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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