The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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