I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
