Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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