Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
