i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
my liver is dry heaving
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
