before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
