I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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