I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just invented taco cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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