if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
