I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
