I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
