plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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