i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she peed on how many people?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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