found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
