I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
