Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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