awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
