i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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