I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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