I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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