I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
