Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
