So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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