in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
honey bunches of taint.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
