you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
