Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I smell stomach acid.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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