I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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