Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
