i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Come share oat with me in your robe
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
