She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!