ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!