he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
