just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
