My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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